Attention all CODAs! You're opinions are wanted!

We as CODAs are well versed in how similar we are. We share a lot of common experiences growing up with Deaf parents and all that comes with it. Yet, no matter how similar the experiences are, no matter how great it feels to hang around each other and share our stories, we are all still very different from one another. It’s not necessarily a good or bad thing, it just simply is what it is. It’s life, and we deal with it. There’s a lot of beauty in the diversity.
However, I feel that sometimes the differences aren’t always good things, and these are all just matters of opinions. For some CODAs, there are likely certain traits in other CODAs that make them cringe, and for other CODAs it’s something else. For me, it’s watching CODAs who act as if without them, their parents or other Deaf people would just crumble without their ability to take care of them. If you are reading this, a CODA, and are offended, well, I’m not necessarily sorry. I don’t mean ill will, it’s just something I don’t understand, and often times drives me crazy.
The reason it makes me nutty is this. How does a CODA go through life with Deaf parents, know their struggles in a hearing society, know their friends as well they know some of their own closest relatives, and still come out with this attitude of being the caretaker? Its obvious that many of us as CODAs have often had to interpret as children for our parents, or handle phone calls for our parents that children had no place handling, and all of the rest of the things we may have had to do at one time or another. I get that not all Deaf parents raise their hearing children the same as others, or that having siblings can help shape the different roles that particular set of siblings fall into. It’s logical to make the leap that from time to time we may feel like the caretaker, but let’s dig a little deeper. 
I think the part about it that really dumbfounds me is how it comes to be that CODAs who act this way seems to forget that their parents were around before them. Did they need you then? For my experience, at times I had to interpret, take calls, be the face that every hearing person spoke to when they realized I was the only one they could talk to (which often came with that attitude that I wasn’t just the only one they could talk to, I was the only intelligent one in the bunch). That last one always infuriated me to no end because I knew my parents were every bit as competent as any of the jerks I had to make nice to in front of my mom and dad. The only reason the situations occurred was the fact that audism existed, and obviously still does. But I also went to Deaf Club with my parents regularly. I often spent the night at their friends’ homes when we would visit. Thanks to my parents, I know who Deaf people are, and I know that if I wasn’t around to be that bridge for the Hearing, my parents would still have gotten done what they needed to get done, even if it would have been tougher and may have looked completely different.
I also know that some of our parents may play that role that they cannot do things themselves and they need us CODAs to fix it. My parents were from an older generation I saw it occasionally amongst them and their friends. Its just that when I try to see how some CODAs develop this attitude or arrive at the conclusion that they are the glue holding their parents lives together I become seriously agitated. I mean, did some of us, regardless of how intensely proud we are of our parents, how well we sign and everything else, just simply buy into the things that hearing people have said to us our whole lives? I don’t mean we actually deep down believe them, even if a good majority of it came from our extended family. I just wonder if all the years of those ridiculous comments, opinions, and observations somehow etched itself into some of us and became a part of our personalities? I just don’t understand it. 
It’s not easy to define CODAs, and it doesn’t help that it can be so difficult for us to define ourselves. I know I have that problem in a lot of areas of my life, and I want nothing more than to understand it better. Yet even with all that, I have never let myself believe that my parents would have perished or be significantly worse off without me there, and I know most of us as CODAs don’t feel that way. But it’s evident that some of us do, and when I see it, I want to put a pen through my eye or something much less gruesome and equally painful to distract me from it so I won’t say or do something stupid.
Does audism play a role in this? Could it be some type of CODA privilege that is being subconsciously enjoyed? I’m not sure of the answer myself, and would love to know everyone else's thoughts on the matter. Especially from any CODAs reading this.
One more thing. My opinion here doesn’t mean I hate CODAs who do act that way. I am disgusted with that attitude, and I may not like a fellow CODA because of it, but being CODA is belonging to something unique. I cherish that, and love every CODA brother and sister because of it. I just needed to vent, and even more so, want to have an open discussion about this so we can all understand each other better. CODA hugs and CODA love to you all!

Until next time,

R. M. 

CODA Advice?

Hello Everyone,

This post is not being done in ASL tonight. I may sign it in a video at a later date, but not now.

First things first. I am happy to be back. I meandered off of my path for a while. Call it cynicism, call it disinvestment of a sort, I'm not 100% sure myself, but I do know it was a mix of a number of things. I believe the catch-all, one word description is 'rut'. I have been in a long rut. I owe the timing of this return to two recent things. First, the website, si5s.org, is finally moving forward. Click the link to see what I mean. Second, in response to my enthusiasm about the first event, someone told me today that they miss my writing and want to read more. Do I really need further motivation? Not likely. So thanks are in order to Robert Augustus, for the drive to make si5s an integral part of Deaf culture, and to Dianne, you may only be one of a handful who regularly read these posts, but what you said earlier was taken to heart.

So this post is a response to Erik Witteborg, who suggested a 'writing prompt'. He's good like that. This one made me think, and even now I don't fully know what I'm about to say. His prompt was this - If you can go back in time to meet your 10 year old CODA self, what advice would you give? This response should just be what it is. No conscious effort to be funny or serious. Thinking back to when I was 10, my parents reluctantly had to move to a town almost a two hour drive away from home. My father had landed a new job in the "Big City" of Bangor, Maine, so they sold the house and we moved. We eventually moved into an apartment complex, but first spent 6 long and grueling months with my mother's parents. The tension in the house was never lost on me. Worse than that, the town was considerably larger, and I had no friends there. This is the me that I would advise, so here goes.

Hey kid,

It's ok. Things look like shit right now, but it's ok. The first thing I want you to know is that it's ok to not want to be your parents interpreter. They don't like putting you in that position either, even if it seems like they just expect you to do it. Nevermind their friends who always tell you that you should grow up to be an interpreter. That's crap. Do what makes you happy. Mom and Dad will always be proud of that, and that's ok.

Second, don't stress out too much about the other kids at school. You know most of them won't even try to understand what having Deaf parents is like, and you DO know they will all ask you ridiculous questions about it. You can't hide it, and you may as well be straight with them. Don't forget to show your pride in them and in yourself. You don't know it now, but later you will begin to meet so many people with parents like yours, far many more than the ones you know now. You will call yourselves CODAs. I'm pretty sure many of them are calling themselves that now. Wear it like a badge, for it is you. It's ok to show them.

Third, don't back down when something needs to be said. You're gonna be great at this anyway, but don't hold back either way. Please do your best to remember to think about all sides of the situation. Family IS wrong for how they put Dad down, but someday they'll kind of get it, and that will be because you DIDN'T back down. It's ok, no matter how angry you get. Respect will come in the end. It's still ok.

Last, stop feeling guilty. You will take advantage of situations because you haven't found yourself yet. When you do, remember that was part of the process. Know that Mom and Dad understand this and won't hold a grudge. It's what kids do. Don't let that guilt remain there, even after Dad leaves this world. You don't need to tell him you're sorry. He gets it. He's proud of you no matter what because he believes in you. It's his legacy to you and when you're a man you keep that close to your heart instead of the guilt. Honor the legacy. Teach the world who Deaf people are, through you. The best thing you can do is leave this world better than you find it, and let's be honest, we've seen more than our fair share of shit. Way more. Honor the legacy and help clean it up. Teach the world, and they will begin to clean it up, too. Make it better for future generations. Believe you will see him again, and you will. You will see how proud he really is. Trust me, it's ok. It will always be ok.

__________

Well, there it is... and it's ok.

Until next time,

R. M.

Pride - an ASL Version

Hello everyone,

This is an ASL version of the English poem "Pride" from my eBook "Shadow Boxer & Other Poems". It's a look at a real relationship between a CODA and his deceased father. Please do not look at this ASL version as poetry. It really didn't come out that way at all. It's more like the ASL/Deaf version of spoken word or prose, and quite honestly, I'm not 100% sure how to define it myself. With that said, let's just say "it is what it is". If after viewing this you would like to read the English version, please refer to the 'My eBooks' tab at the top of the page. You can find the link to the book from there, and it is a free download. I hope you enjoy the video, and forgive my near 2 month absence from this blog (assuming any of you still check in, haha).

Until next time,

R. M.

From Ignorance to Audism -- and a New AFF Member!

For the ASL version, click here

Hello everyone,

Today’s post started with a Facebook message from a fellow CODA by the name of Norma, who has agreed to let me share this experience with you. Here is her initial message:

Hi Fraser!!! How are you??? Sorry to bother you, I know you’re a busy guy, but I think I need your input on something. I was reading a book and twice the term “deaf and dumb” was used. Not as a reference to a Deaf person, but referring to an emotional state (rendered deaf and dumb). Even though I knew what the author meant, it still bothered me. (The book was published last year, and the setting is modern day-cell phones, tablet computers, etc). Then I find out the author has a child that wears hearing aids, so now I’m even more stunned she would use that term---even in an emotional context…Am I over reacting???

My response was a follows: 

nope, not at all. I'm offended by that. Its likely that the author meant it in the same vein as someone using the word "retarded" to describe an idiot. However, the fact this author has a hard of hearing child may suggest they are straight up oralist. Its a likely dynamic with a HoH child, even more so than with a deaf child. I think it stuns most of us who have a clue about Deaf, because we have a clue about Deaf. I think our problem is that sometimes we don't remember that most people out there don't have any experience with Deaf, and when we see that they might have had some and still say things like that, it seems to us to be unfathomable. Either way, it's Audism, and how offended you are should be influenced by whether it was inherently hateful or just said out of a lack of awareness and sensitivity. Do you mind if I use this in a blog post?

Norma later filled me in a bit more about the details of this incident that I would like to share with you, so here you go:

Here’s part of the sentence I read in the book   “…was on the verge of being rendered deaf and dumb by the paralyzing…”  It definitely triggered something in me, even in that context. I contacted the author thru her website. I wanted to take the opportunity to share Deaf awareness and educate her on audism. We exchanged several emails (that’s how I found out about one of her kids has 30% hearing, and I too picked up on the vibe that she’s probably raising the child orally). She was extremely sweet and kind, she apologized profusely from the bottom of her heart, she agreed with all of my viewpoints, she does NOT believe deaf=dumb.... she talks about being in the head of this particular character.  In one of her emails she said “I agree, I think there are certain words or sayings that trigger certain responses in everyone. And you are right, the term “deaf and dumb” does not bother me – in the context in which I meant it. I can absolutely see it coming across as something else, which I promise you, I didn’t mean. Yes, I would completely take offense if the words were used together to describe a deaf person as being dumb. I took a step back when you emailed and completely understood how that would sound if you weren’t right there in my head witnessing how I felt Tag was feeling. He was completely overwhelmed which affected his cognitive abilities because of his reaction. Like I said, I completely understand…

smh, WHAT!!!! I was blown away by this, but at the same time this was the email from her that finally put the puzzle pieces together for me. You said “Its likely that the author meant it in the same vein as someone using the word "retarded" to describe an idiot”  …that makes sense to me. The conclusion I came up with was she’s comparing the traits of an overwhelmed hearing person to the traits of a deaf and dumb person. In my last email to her I stated this to her and attached the following two pics…she has not replied back to me. HA!! If you are ok with this and think it’s appropriate, I would love to send her your blog when you finish it. I told her (twice), that I was anxious to discuss this topic with other Codas.

Looking foward to your thoughts on this!!!  YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

Again, my response:

oh wow, it's mainly out of ignorance, but also carries little regard to how offensive it can truly be. It's a typical reaction to first finding out you offended someone, or a group of people, I think.... Thank you for this Norma, this is awesome stuff, and kudos to you on confronting her in a non offensive way. That takes a lot of guts, and it hopefully plants a seed in her mind the next time she intends to use that phrase...

Norma’s next email to me was this: 

“kudos to you on confronting her in a non offensive way. That takes a lot of guts”…hahaha, actually it’s the exact opposite for me, I fear confrontations!!! and I was totally shocked when she replied to me, I honestly thought my email would just sit somewhere or get deleted. My goal was to try to get her in a calm and respectful discussion and fortunately she responded the same way. She has absolutely no control over how I react to words in her book, that’s on me. Does that make sense???? I was trying to figure out why this was a trigger for me, and she helped me figure it out, even though I don’t think she liked my results. *smile*  I want to share some more of her words with you.

“… I want to clarify something. These words in my term do not go together as in deaf = dumb, but rather their senses were completely overwhelmed…I completely understand your response to the terminology and I want to apologize if in any way it was expressed that the two words related to one another. I definitely agree with your entire email and I apologize from the bottom of my heart if you believe I was referring to the hearing impaired in a negative way. I assure you that I was not. Thank you so much for taking the time to send me the email…

Thank you Fraser for validating my feelings. It makes me feel better. Not sure if offended is the right word for me personally, but I’m sad that she doesn’t “get it”, or maybe she does now, and that’s why she hasn’t replied back to me. I hope the pics I sent her didn’t offend her; I chose them very carefully for a reason. I wanted to show her the Deaf part in me. The word “peace” for her- regardless of our difference of opinion, and the robot for her child. Surely, even oralists can’t be offended by the ILY handshape, right??!!

My response to this:

true, but she may only be an unwitting oralist (she is and she doesn't know it). Either way, it does boil the whole thing down to ignorance a lack of awareness, and thats enough for me to blog about. I put her in the category of people who would likely benefit from Deaf awareness education, and not just a hateful person who will never get it....

To sum this up, ignorance leads to not so good things. In this case, it led to Audism, and Norma spoke out against it. I am proud of her for doing so. I know many CODAs who spend their entire lives frustrated with all the hearing people that ask the same questions and make the same comments over and over about being Deaf, sign language, etc. It’s tedious for most of us, I think. I know it certainly has been for me, and  thankfully ELF tends to take up the rebuttal (if you will) when I am asked those things now. That’s her contribution to helping end Audism. It’s too frustrating for me to go that route at times, but I find it much easier to talk about in these blog posts.

I believe we all (Deaf, CODAs, Interpreters) have a responsibility to educate and spread awareness about Audism, and what it means to be Deaf. There are plenty of ways to do so that all vary in the amount of involvement. Norma, for example, chose to confront the author of the book she’d read. I write blogs. Many interpreters do answer questions from hearing people regarding Deaf culture. Many Deaf people are politically active, or perform for hearing audiences about their lives and their observances. Some of us just perform what we think is entertaining, and through that the world gets to see how normal and equal Deaf people truly are. 

My point is this -- I don’t mean that all of us as CODAs need to do these great big things in order to achieve this, but I want all of you reading this to understand that if you do feel a responsibility to do something, please find an avenue to do so which works for you, no matter how little or how great the amount of your life you give to it. It’s how we can give back to our parents, and help squash out most of the ignorance that leads to Audism.

Norma, here’s to you and your effort! Cheers!

Until next time,

R. M.

P. S., I need to add one more thing. Norma, you saw an incidence of Audism and you went right and challenged that person. Wow that was brave! You know what you did means? Yea, you’ve become an Audism fighter! So now you can join the roster. Just so you know, you can come up with your own name, you know, like a good nickname, kind of like a wrestling name. You think about it and let me know, and I’ll add it to the blog roster. Congratulations, and thank you!

Response to "War with CODAs", at Least the Beginning, Anyway...

Having technical difficulties with video uploads. You can view the ASL version of this post at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYnS1lwyzDI

Hello everyone,

Recently my attention has been on an ongoing issue. I want to respond to it, but I need to take time and think about how I should respond. A little while ago, on Facebook, someone in my circle of friends posted a link to a blog post. The woman who wrote it is hearing and is married to a deaf-blind man. The post is titled “War with CODAs”. When I saw that, I thought to myself, “War with CODAs? Who am I at war with?” 

I admit it’s true that I have an agenda because one of my goals is to help hearing people with no Deaf experience understand what Deaf people are like, how they live, and what struggles they go through. What I hope is that they will develop a measure of respect that will change their perspective, and maybe that will help reduce Audism. So maybe I do have some adversaries worthy of going to war with, but I really don’t feel that way.

“War with CODAs” was written last year. However, it’s only been recently that people have really taken notice of it. I saw many responses posted by CODAs who were irate at being insulted in this way. I don’t feel any different about it myself. I am a CODA, and I was insulted, too. I don’t want to yell at this person, and I want to be fair, so I thought about what I should do. After reading the post again I wondered if she had other posts related to Deaf and/or CODAs. So I checked through the blog and I found quite a few. I read them all. And I noticed something common popping up in every post. 

I feel like her attitude, after reading her commentary, shows that she doesn’t really understand Deaf culture. She’s really ignorant of this. Some of the other comments made me feel as though she is a deep-rooted Audist. You know, sometimes it’s not so easy to separate Audism from ignorance, but I will give it a try.

So my plan is to start at the beginning of this with the “War with CODAs” post and evaluate it. I will discuss those comments that exemplify her ignorance and Audist attitude. From there I will move on to the next post, and the next one, in chronological order, and do the same type of evaluating.  I’m going to call this series “I am CODA, and I Know”. I don’t say this to mean “Hey! Look at me, a CODA who knows everything!” My point is to use my experience growing up in two worlds, hearing and Deaf. The cultures are different, but I am involved in both of them. I am going to use this unique experience as my viewpoint, but do so in an objective manner. 

One thing I do want to say to the woman who wrote the post is this; “Just so you know, I read your blog posts, and noted how many times you said things like ‘I’m just ranting’, or ‘I’m just expressing my opinions’, or even ‘My blog only has like 40 followers, so really not very many people read this, it’s no big deal.’ That’s ok, I guess. You DO have a right to free speech, but at the same time, you DO have a responsibility. Yes, you do. When you make generalized comments that stereotype different groups of people on a blog, you’ve also made it open to the public. Imagine if you will a time long ago when there wan’t any real technology. There was no internet, but there big printing press machines. So you decide to print up an article declaring that all Deaf people act the same and insult you, and therefore should just go away, and that all CODAs are a bunch of little whiners and ‘Damn! What’s wrong with all of you?’ So then you take that printed article and bring down to town square, where you proceed to find a post (maybe a light post, perhaps, or something suitable) and tack it up by its corners. Well everyone who sees it is going to come walking by and see it. Some will be curious and read it, only to be seething with anger by the end of the article, and will end up coming to your house, knocking on your door just top say ‘Hey! What’s up!? What’s your problem?, etc etc. Now you’re going to act surprised and be angry with them? That’s straight up not fair. You know that hearing people have a saying... ‘People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’.” I think that sums it up well.

The next post will be up soon and will address “War with CODAs”. 

Until next time,

R. M.

A Look at a CODA's Deaf Family - Update

Hello to all,

A while back I wrote a post entitled "A Look at a CODA's Deaf Family". In it, I had talked about a Deaf man that I know who was coming to the end of his time with us on Earth. Sadly, I have to say that his time came about two weeks ago. Earlier today was his memorial service, held at the school for the deaf (or one "i" hand tapped twice on top of the other, if you will) where he attended and later worked.

In my previous post I had mentioned what he meant to me as a member of my Deaf family. I won't get into that again, but I do want to talk about the service today. I had the privilege of meeting his Deaf family.

I have to mention first about my own father's passing four years ago. My sister and I had decided to split up the responsibilities of that came along with the process of funeral/ceremonial decisions, notifying everyone, writing the obituary, and seeing our mother was ok, etc etc. I had asked to handle speaking with the funeral director to make the service a little more "Deaf" friendly. One of the things to be done was to have no aisles of chairs in the middle of the viewing room. I did not want my father's Deaf friends to have to look at the back of each others' heads. In an attempt to allow everyone to see what everyone else was signing, we arranged the chairs in a large "U" around the room. It was good for about 40 or 50 people. When people began to arrive, we quickly ended up with far more people than anticipated. Friends came from all over and we had to put chairs in the middle of the room in rows/aisles, anyways. At least we tried, right? What we ended up with was upwards of close to 100 people. Some had to view the service from the other room because we ran out of space!

I say this because at the time, it really impressed upon me what "Deaf family" means. I remembered so many faces of the people I used to see at Deaf Club meetings and get-togethers from my childhood and they were all so wonderful. I also saw many faces of people I had never met before, but whom were great friends with my father at one point in time or another. It really helped me see how much Deaf people cherish each other and how close they all were. That is what a Deaf family is.

With that said let me move onto today. This service was at least twice the size of my father's and held in the school gymnasium. Friends and family gave some touching and personal speeches. There was also a closing prayer conducted by a Deaf Father. That is something I had never seen before. It was such a cool thing to witness. The reception was held in the cafeteria, a slideshow in the meeting room, and the school's museum, something this man had the largest hand in creating, was open for all to view. There was also a video camera setup for people to give their goodbye wishes, share stories, and anything else anyone felt had merit to mention. I saw former teachers and students come today, too. He had reached a lot of people in his time.

And just like any typical get-together in the Deaf Community (with hearing people involved), the Deaf will stay until they are told to leave. The crowd was over half out by the time myself and ELF had left, and nearly all of them were either Deaf, CODAs, or other members of the man's family. And here they all were, his Deaf family. It amazed me to see it yet again, and I cannot explain in any decent amount of words how much it touched me to know that even though most of the Deaf people there were not a part of my Deaf family, the man's wife went out of her way to make me feel like I was part of their's, no matter how small a part it really is.

I guess this is the only way I can explain it. Compared to probably just about everyone else there, I was little more than an acquaintance to this man and his wife. Most of their blood family I had never met or seen until today. I think it's that connection a CODA has or can have with other Deaf people, without even having spent a great deal of time with them, that makes it a Deaf family for each other.

With so little, in relative terms, his life had a significant impact on me. For everyone else there who was much more a part of his Deaf family, I can only imagine how his life impacted them. I have to believe that its value is exponential. Everyone who attended, and everyone who could not but did so in spirit, is a better person because of his impact in our lives. That's the power of Deaf family, and I am honored to have felt its impact again. I love you, man.

Until next time,

R. M.