Thursday, January 19, 2012

One Way Out, Always?

Well, first off, I'd like to say that the first chapter of Allesandra's Bequest, One Way Out, Always, was published a few days ago on Smashwords. I put the book up for free to see what kind of interest it will draw. Three days is not very long, so it's a bit too early to tell.

 I tossed around the idea of my next blog post being about the book, and I didn't want to give away anything in the story beyond the first chapter. Needless to say it was a struggle, but something random just happened that might make this work. It will give away a little bit more of the story, but not enough to ruin it. Let me start with the random happening first.

I bumped into a friend earlier today who had mentioned to me that someone they grew up with in the neighborhood had just committed suicide not too long ago. My friend had just learned of this and was shocked, but wasn't very close to this person, so it became the topic of conversation for a bit. Apparently, the short version was this - there had been rumors of her battling depression. She had been missing for three days and was found deep in the woods where she had hung herself from a tree. She was in her early twenties. A terrible tragedy, obviously, and apparently ELF was acquainted with her, too. It was somewhat upsetting for her, too.

It made me think about how horrible these things really are. People everywhere suffer tragedies all the time, and who knows what this girl was really going though? I have a good friend that I sometimes refer to as "Mom". She might be the strongest person I know, for the simple reason that years ago, her son committed suicide, and she can talk about it openly with me. I find it amazing that she has the inner steel to do so. It's often said that the worst part of a suicide is not who left us, but the mess that person left behind. For myself, I believe that is a true statement more often than not, at least for all I have seen, I believe it to be so.

I've always been a "darker" person in my writing, regardless of what format it is. Not everything I write is, but you get the idea, I hope. This subject is really what Allesandra's Bequest is all about - suicide. Like so many people, Allesandra has her own demons to contend with, and how does she deal with it? I dare not say more without giving away the story. One Way Out, Always, gives you a brief look into Allesandra's past, and how PTSD can keep such a firm grip on someone, keeping them in darker places, even when thimgs seem like they're getting much brighter.

It's a subject that fascinates me, and perhaps only for the reason that I can;t always seem to wrap my head around it, and I think a lot of other people feel the same way. Logically, you can see the process and connect the dots, and everything else, but I don't always have the ability to really imagine how depressed, defeated, or otherwise one would have to be to go through with such an idea.

I've had bouts with severe anxiety for most of my adult life due to physical issues. I can honestly say that for myself, during those times, I would occasionally think about it. I even scared myself a couple of times when I found myself to be formulating a plan. There were spans when I would have very little of anything positive to look forward to, if I even had anything at all. And those were the moments when those thoughts crept in. Even then, though, it never was a solid and clear premonition that I could ever actually do it, and I suppose for me thats why I sometimes can't wrap my head around it. I don't think I could have been any worse at those points. Maybe there's something I was missing then, and if so, I am thankful.

 I don't know if Allesandra's Bequest will shed any light on the subject or not. I suppose that it's more or less my own personal take on what the effects of suicide are on the rest of us, and would anyone who has done so take it back if they could?

Lastly, I want to thank the eight people who have recently started following The Fraser File. Nice to know people are reading. Take care all, and I am fairly certain that the next post won't be so blackened.

R. M.

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